A thousand times and a hundred more, to the end of that endless path we once thought we walked. This is just pathetic, isn’t it? There’s nothing out there and yet we seek something right here.
Now I’m beginning to sound nonsensical. I’ve been nonsensical since the start, to be honest.
There is no way I could have approached this, approached you in an ordered manner. You took me by surprise and you took it all. You never asked if I wanted something different, or if I knew what difference it would make. You didn’t even care if I knew what ‘different’ meant.
You, you and your ever present smile, never cared.
“Are you making a whole monologue inside your head right now? I can just see it there, behind the shadow of your eyelids.”
Damn it. I forgot you could stare into my eyes and see the real me. The unstable, ever-changing man who willingly brought you here. Or unwillingly… that depends on the standards you consider.
You chuckle. You freaking chuckle.
I’ll never understand you, you know?
“I know, you’ll never understand me.”
I must have widened my eyes or opened my mouth in shock because your chuckle just became laughter. You laugh so easily when you’re with me, but I’m sure you’re easily moved to tears when we are apart.
It’s always been like this. We laugh, we hug, we kiss and then we say goodbye. Clock turns, Earth turns, you turn on your bed on a sleepless night and it’s all back to the start. To that feeling of uneasiness, of frustration, of silent agony. It’s not enough. It’s never gonna be enough. We were made to feel half empty all our lives.
“Are you gonna say something out loud or are you gonna keep talking to yourself inside there?”
Your laughter melted to a smile. And… oh, I just want to kiss you all over again.
If I could I would say everything I feel, everything I want, everything I think of you. If I could I would ask you to run away with me to a foreign country where no one knows who we are or why we stare at each other with such passion.
They wouldn’t care. Or at least that’s what we all think when we fantasize over a foreign country. We all think it’s wide lonely fields when it’s actually crowded, smog-filled cities. It’s not so romantic after a little while.
But, after all, romance always dies.
You move swiftly, faster than I thought you could and you take my lips in yours. I want to close my eyes and loose myself to your warmth but I just let my sight wander across your face.
You don’t part my lips, it’s a simple kiss. You never take what it’s already taken.
Or… do you?
Maybe it’s stupid to say such a thing when you are kissing me right here, on my bed, with soft silk sheets tickling our naked bodies, whispering about our encounter.
You only take what it’s half-taken.
“I wish I could be simpler.” I whisper as you retreat from my lips.
You smile again. At last you’ve made me talk.
“I wish that, too.”
I chuckle and I move closer to you, letting my hands wrap you around the shoulders. We are lying face to face, on our sides, you facing the window that is covered up in snow thanks to the blizzard that caught us all by surprise.
If it wasn’t for that blizzard you would be sleeping on your apartment, probably under white linen sheets and fluffy comforters, dreaming.
Instead, you ended up caught by the storm of my trembling arms.
I move closer to you and you wrap me with your arms by the waist, staring straight into my eyes and hiding a pleasant smile.
We don’t talk for a minute or so, we just share our breaths and our warm skin. We are well aware of the time, place and situation. We know for certain who we are, what we do and why we do it. We are just lacking the essential thing in this: where is this going?
Are we trapped on a blizzard or is the blizzard trapped on us?
I bite my lower lip. Now’s the time for doubts, now’s the time for those ‘and then’.
You move closer, so close to me. Now I can’t stare into your eyes because you just pushed my face into your neck as you lower your chin on the top of my head. Your arms envelop me softly yet firmly. I can feel your blood running through your veins, pushing strong to get to your brain.
No one knows what you’re thinking; no one can assure me you’re hugging me or her.
Not even your voice can assure me you love me as you once did.
“Go to sleep, I’ll hug you all night long.”
I smile to myself. Always the political one, making promises he doesn’t keep. Next thing I’ll know I’ll be waking on my bed a couple of hours later, only to find it empty and cold, no note. The floor will be clean of thrown clothes and underclothes, no trace of your cologne or your natural smell.
Even the sheets next to me will be straight and crease free.
I’ll be alone with my thoughts… as always.
“Thank you.” I whisper as I close my eyes.
“For what?” you, my dearest one, whisper back.
“For being such a great liar.”
Last thing I remember thinking before falling into the misty world of sleep is how warm it was.
How terribly warm was this blizzard.